Stuff-to-Chip: Breakin' it Down

Before one can even attempt to start reviewing or pewwwing nachos near and far, let me break down the soon-to-be-famous (no really) Stuff-to-Chip nacho ranking scale. For those with back injuries or severe ADHD, be warned that this may take a while.

It all begins with the chip. But don't be fooled, not all chips qualify for the job as the bottom of the totem pole. Not by a long shot. When diving into a plate of yummy goodness--thumb, pointer and middle finger for proper etiquette--let's take a look at some of the problems that can occur with a poor chip selection:

• thin and pretty (but too easily breakable) chips--even if they're multicolored they still get an immediate "I" for incompetent and a "WTF" for, well, you get the idea. Remember: A nacho is no place for soggy chips.
• over or under salting--too much salt takes away from that glory that is The Stuff, too little...why bother.
• flavored chips--can be good if you choose the right one. I suggest the Hint-o-Lime Tostitos if you're feelin' saucy.
• chip shape--round, scoops, traditional triangle, and strips all get the ok. Those oversized chips that take more than 2 bites to get through, sorry you are no longer working with nachos...now you're working with an "I". People, chips should be bite-sized, not pie-sized disaster.
• brand name--this is a very sensitive subject. Just because you wear second-hand clothes or buy generic hair products does not mean you can skimp on the $4 it'll cost to buy a decent bag of reliable chips. Try them out at a friend's party, see what your favorite restaurant offers, make your own...but please, I'm begging you, go the extra mile or fear the worst.
• what's it made of?--Corn, corn, corn. Even if it's true that you rent corn and never actually own it, this rule is non negotiable.

The Stuff that dreams are made of. When it comes to nachos remember one thing: without the stuff, all you've got are chips... so make every morsel count. This is not a place to really experiment with your Iron Chef abilities. Keep it simple and remember that just because there's a lot of stuff mixing together, don't think for a second that each and every topping shouldn't be able hold its own. A number of things to consider, and a number of toppings to choose from:

• The lettuce--the first thing you add to start calling it nachos. This is no time to start thinking about leafy greens, organic grass clippings, or even romaine. This is simply shredded iceberg, no exceptions, exchanges or refunds. Sorry foodies.
• The beans--you have some options here. While I prefer the black bean, you can also try pinto or refried or feel free to mix these up. Just make sure you're not over-beaning. Every flavor should compliment each other, not over-power. Ya dig?
• The meat--another place for options. Ground lean beef is the creme de la creme. Be sure to drain it after you cook it or your chips will not stand up. This is the saddest case. Taco seasoning is a great option for this and it's easy enough to grab hold of. Feel free to mix cheese into the meat as you're cooking for a little extra somthin' somethin'. Other meats include chicken (ground or chunks), ground turkey and I've even heard of fish (but this could get you banned from my blog). Best to stick with the ground beef if for no better reason than my graces.
• The tomato--this should be diced, period. No slices, no large chunks, and please make sure there's enough for everyone. No one likes to fight for the one tomato in the pile. This is also a great opportunity to mix it up as a pico de gayo (think of this as your chance to mix in the ever important cilantro, lime juice, diced onions, and jalapenos or chile peppers).
• The cheese--that's right kids, this may be the most important ingredient. There are a few ways to incorporate the gift of the bovine. You can add it in like this: melt it on the chips before loading the stuff (also a great opportunity to warm and brown the chips), melt fancy shredded cheese including sharp cheddar and colby jack over the whole thing at the very end, mix it into the meat (see above), or poor melted nachos cheese over the top ala movie theater (ew...ok mm).
• The take it or leave its--this includes sliced or diced chili or jalapeno peppers, guacamole, corn and sour cream. These can also be served on the side for dipping as they tend to get a bit messy and can suffer the chips a soggy story. If you do opt to load this up, beware of over doing it and turning your nachos into an Edvard Munch painting.

Now, of course these rules are bendable and just like everything else you'll find here, they are of my own opinion and choosing. That said, if I'm wrong...go ahead and let me know. I want to hear your nacho stories and reviews. Why? Because if we can't really talk about nachos, then we have failed. Here's hopin'.

-From here keep an eye out for nacho reviews from all around, chime in, offer pictures, and let's share in the love that is the nacho. Also, be on the look-out for the Five Chip rating scale.